Friday, September 30, 2016
A rushed Funny Friday in that the internet was down part of the time. Enjoy the long weekend. . .
One day Adam and Eve notice God standing before them, holding a bag.
"Hi, God. What's in the bag?" asked Eve.
"These are a couple of things that were left over from creation that I thought you two would be interested in." God rummages around in the bag a moment. "Okay who wants to be able to pee standing up?"
Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air, waving frantically. "Me! Me! Me! Oh, oh, PLEASE, God, let me have it! Just think of how much more work I could get done in the fields if I could pee standing up! And it would help so much when I'm out hunting! Oh, please, please, please let me have it!"
"Well, all right," says God. "Now, let's see what we have for you, Eve." God rummages about a bit more in the bag.
"Ah, right. Multiple orgasms."
An Aussie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says, "That's a karate chop from Korea."
Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer. The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. "That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.
The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank bastard sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out. The Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a fuckin' crowbar from Bunnings."
I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in Whangarei and my brother-in-law is living in Melbourne. My father and mother have been busted for drug running and they depend on my two sisters, who are prostitutes, for a living.
My only brother is serving a life sentence in jail on conviction of rape and murder, and my uncle is a High Court Judge who takes bribes. My other uncle is on trial for lighting fires in a National Park which burnt down 93 houses.
I am in love with a Thai prostitute who solicits around the Auckland wharves. She says she loves me, but she knows nothing about my family background. We intend to marry as soon as her illnesses clear up. Me being white does not bother her at all. When I get out of the Navy we will open a brothel in Hamilton and my two sisters will work there to keep the business in the family.
My problem is that I want to marry this girl and have an entirely open and honest relationship with her. The burning question is whether I should tell her that I have a brother-in-law who lives in Melbourne?
An oldie and worth a repeat. . .
This chap goes to the doctor saying that he gets blinding headaches. After a series of tests the doctor tells him that the good news is that he had found the cause but the bad news was that the headaches were being caused by an upward pressure of the testicles upon the base of the spine. The only cure would be an orchidectomy. The chap thought that one over for weeks but in the end the headaches were so severe that he decided to go ahead and have his testicles removed.
After the operation he was feeling so good that he decided to go down the street and get a new suit. In the menswear store he found a salesman who looked him up and down and said 'I guess you would be a 42 inch chest 38 inch waist and 40 inch hip'. 'My God' said the chap, 'how did you guess that?' 'I don't guess, I know. That's my job,' said the salesman.
When the chap was fitted out the salesman asked him if he would like a shirt because he had one in stock with a 42-inch chest and 24 inch arm. 'That's my exact measure' said the chap with astonishment. 'That's right mate. It's my job to know that,' said the salesman and handed him the shirt. 'Now what about a hat' said the salesman. 'OK' said the chap, sensing a challenge 'I bet you can't guess that one'. 'You'd be a five and seven eighths' said the salesman 'I know that, it's my job'.
Finally the salesman enquired whether some underpants were desired. 'OK' said the chap 'but let me get in first this time. I'm a size 34 in underpants'. 'No you’re not,' said the salesman 'You’re a size 36'. 'I've got you this time,' said the chap 'because I always wear a 34'. 'You're totally incorrect Sir, I know my job' said the salesman. 'You're a size 36, and I can tell you now that if you go on wearing a 34 you'll get blinding headaches from the upward pressure of the testicles on the base of the spine.'
Thursday, September 29, 2016
I posted an item a few days ago about Mrs Chippy, the cat that accompanied the Shackleton Arctic expedition and came to a sticky end when the expedition ship was caught in the ice. Mrs Chippy didn't have 9 lives after all. Anyway, it inspired Martin S, who regularly corrects items posted, to send me an email about some other notable cats. Thanks Martin.
Here is Martin's contribution:
I am pleased that you had an article on Mrs Chippy, one of the most undated, and fearless master of us humans, the not so humble Cat. Too often overlooked to other imposters, such as the horse dog or ……the Pigeon!
We should be reminded of Australia’s own naval contribution of Felis Catus, being, of course, Trim.
Trim proudly in front of the NSW State Library.
Trim undertook the first circumnavigation of Australia, assisted by Matthew Flinders, and was later interned in Mauritius on his return trip to England. Trim suffered a fate far worse than Mrs Chippy. Eaten by those horrible French Savages, who obviously had run out of frogs, snails or horses for their consumption.
I believe Bryce Courtenay wrote a book about him.
Perhaps for a war hero, we should look no further than Simon.
Simon escaped on board the HMS Amethyst, when in Hong Kong docks in 1948, no doubt saving him from a fate that befell our beloved Trim.
The Amethyst was caught up in the Yangtze Incident in 1949 during the Chinese Civil war. Shots were fired, Simon was injured, and some sailors died.
Simon, sporting one of his war service medals
Simon's role on the Amethyst was one of keeping up morale, preventing plague by personally disposing of vermin, and inspecting the operations of the ship.
Simon never fully recovered from wounds received in action, and was awarded the Dickin Medal posthumously (for us humans, the equivalent of a VC).
Recognition of military exploits are surrounded by controversy. Between 1943 and 1949, the Dickin had been awarded to 32 pigeons, 18 dogs, 3 horses, and Simon. A bloody disgrace, and no wonder our feline masters take pleasure in dispatching those, as Woody Allen puts it, “Rats with Wings”.
It should be noted that the entire crew of the Amethyst attended Simon’s funeral.
Simon’s life was put to film in 1957 in the “Yangtse Incident”, and no, it does not feature Chairman Meow.
On a further nautical note:
Polydactyl Cats and Ernest Hemingway
Ernest Hemingway was the pet of a great number of moggies.
He amused them by telling them a story of catching a big fish!
One of his favourite owners was a polydactyl cat (many toes) that had previously spent a considerable time at sea.
This genetically inherited trait is considered advantageous to a sea going puss, as it greatly aids the hunting and climbing on a ship.
Yep. More thumbs than a Koala
Hemingway bequeathed his house to his polydact owner, and it remains in the many toed family to this day.
“A cat has absolute emotional honesty: human beings, for one reason or another, may hide their feelings, but a cat does not.”
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
Byter Charles Z sent me an email last night with the message “Over to you mate”. Included in the email was a link to a collection of photographs, some of which have appeared in Bytes in the past.
The photographs are quite interesting but the unfortunate thing is that there are no captions.
The first photograph is the following:
It is obviously a sculpture made with scrap metal items but it had me wondering: Who was the sculptor? What else has he done? Why work in scrap metal?
I looked into it further and came up with some information and more photographs of the sculptor's work The following item and photographs are from an article about the artist at:
One man's junk is another's buffalo sculpture.
These stunning sculptures of heavy beasts have been fashioned from scrap metal. They are the work of artist John Lopez who welds the pieces from abandoned farm machinery. Based in the town of Lemmon, South Dakota, the 43-year-old has created full-size representations of creatures including a horse, buffalo and even a cowboy atop a triceratops. Mr Lopez had a successful career in bronze sculpting, but changed his working techniques after the death of his aunt Effie in a car accident. He moved to his widowed uncle Geno Hunt's ranch and set about making a family cemetery. But after completing a perimeter fence Mr Lopez ran out of material and, being 35 miles from the nearest town, had to search for usable scrap iron on site.
Mr Lopez said: 'I am a sculptor and love to create. I started welding sculptures together.’ The 43-year-old added: 'I get my ideas from my life, the ranch, our history here, the animals around our area.'
The very first photograph in this post is of a sculpture called Black Hawk and is of a life-size plow horse pulling a single bottom plow. This photograph above shows a detail from Black Haw, the photograph below shows the sculptor, John Lopez, working on Black Hawk.
John Lopez with his personal favourite, Steel Stallion.
The photographs below are from John Lopez's website at:
If you're wondering whether John Lopez does anything apart from scrap metal works, he has also sculpted 12 life-size presidential monuments for The City of Presidents project in Rapid City, SD. Some of the presidents include John F. Kennedy and John Jr., Grant, Carter, Harrison, Coolidge, T. Roosevelt, and Garfield. Here is the pic of President Kennedy:
I will keep posting photographs from Charles's (I have a dispute with my son Thomas as to whether the correct form is "Charles' " or "Charles's". . . I maintain that it is optional and that "Charles's" sounds better) link from time to time, with commentaries where I can find same.