Friday, March 23, 2018
St Patrick's Day has been and gone, but that's no reason for not having some rollicking Irish jokes . . .
An Irishman was flustered about not being able to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prayed, “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday.”
Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot.
“Never mind,” he responded, “I found one.”
Two Irish lads were working for the Dublin public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. He asked the hole digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don’t get it – why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.”
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are starting their new jobs as lumberjacks. Each are given a chainsaw and are told to record how many trees they cut down each day.
At the end of the first day, the Englishman and Scotsman cut down 60 but the Irishman was way behind on 10. Their boss thought he would give the Irishman another chance so the three men went to work the next day. Yet again, at the end of the day, the Englishman and Scotsman cut down 60 but the Irishman was still on 10.
This prompted the boss to approach the Irishman and demand why he was lagging behind. The Irishman replied, 'Sorry sir, but I can't cut down more than 10 trees a day with this saw.' So the boss took the chainsaw to see if there was anything wrong with it. As soon as he pulled the cord the Irishman jumped with fright and exclaimed, 'What the feck is that noise?!'
An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Dublin airport.
“I’ve come to meet my brother,” said the Irishman. “He’s due to fly in from America in an hour’s time. It’s his first trip home in forty years”.
“Will you be able to recognise him?” asked the American.
“I’m sure I won’t,” said the Irishman. “After all, he’s been away for a long time”.
“I wonder if he’ll recognise you?” said the American.
“Of course he will,” said the Irishman. “Sure, an’ I haven’t been away at all!”
Muldoon, the farmer, lived alone in the countryside with his pet dog of many years. Eventually, his dog died of old age. Muldoon went to the parish priest.
"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "Muldoon, I'm sorry to hear of your dog's death, but we can't be holding services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, and maybe they would do something for the animal."
Muldoon said, "Thank you, Father. Do youthink tow thousand pounds is enough to donate for the service?"
Father patrick quickly responded, "Son! Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. 'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor. 'Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin". 'Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!" "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor. 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and napkins flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But as sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
A London lawyer runs a stop sign in Dublin and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!!
Irish Garda says,' Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton, starts beating the lawyer with it and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
Taking a wee break from the golf course, Rory McIlroy drives his new Mercedes into an Irish service station. An attendant greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is... "Top o the mornin to ya" As Rory gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "What are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Rory.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Rory.
"Aw, Jaysus, Maryan' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything..."
Two Irishmen looking for work see a sign that reads TREE FELLERS WANTED. “Oh, now, look at that,” said Paddy. “What a pity there’s only de two of us!”
An Irishman walks into a railway station and presents himself at the ticket counter.
“I’d like a return ticket,” he says.
“To here!” says the Irishman.
Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says, “Are you on foot or in the car?”
Billy says, “In the car.”
Paddy says, “That’s the quickest way.”
Paddy was in New York, patiently watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay pedestrians”. Then he’d allow the traffic to pass.
He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted “Pedestrians” for the 10th time, Paddy called over to him, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”
"Ma'am, I'd like to order a Guinness."
“You must be Irish."
"Oh, so ordering a Guinness makes me Irish? If I ordered a Pizza, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"And if I ordered a Bratwurst, would that make me German?"
"So why exactly do you think I'm Irish then?"
"Sir, this is a book store."
Wednesday, March 21, 2018
I recently had occasion to mention the story below to someone. It was posted in Bytes in 2010 and I believe it would be of interest as a repeat . . .
Those who have seen the 1992 flick The Crying Game may remember the story that Jody tells Fergus in the context of good and bad people, the story being a metaphor for the movie as a whole:
Scorpion wants to cross a river, but he can't swim. Goes to the frog, who can, and asks for a ride. Frog says, "If I give you a ride on my back, you'll go and sting me." Scorpion replies, "It would not be in my interest to sting you since as I'll be on your back we both would drown." Frog thinks about this logic for a while and accepts the deal. Takes the scorpion on his back. Braves the waters. Halfway over feels a burning spear in his side and realizes the scorpion has stung him after all. And as they both sink beneath the waves the frog cries out, "Why did you sting me, Mr. Scorpion, for now we both will drown?" Scorpion replies, "I can't help it, it's in my nature."See it at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgSxeITKxyw
The meaning of the story is clear: creatures (including people) will remain true to their natures, irrespective of external influences. The frog takes the scorpion at its word and agrees to transport the scorpion, notwithstanding that there is nothing in it for the frog. The scorpion on the other hand will remain true to its dangerous innate nature, even though it is treated with trust and kindness.
Contrary to popular belief, the story is not an Aesop’s Fable. Instead it forms one of the stories in The Fables of Bidpai, first translated into English from the original Sanskrit in 1570. It is believed that the fables go back to the 3rd century BC.
Some variations on the theme:
- The innate nature is not only destructive, it can also be to the good, as noted above with the frog. Hence an alternative version of the story:
Two monks were washing their bowls in the river when they noticed a scorpion that was drowning. One monk immediately scooped it up and set it upon the bank. In the process he was stung. He went back to washing his bowl and again the scorpion fell in. The monk saved the scorpion and was again stung. The other monk asked him, "Friend, why do you continue to save the scorpion when you know it's nature is to sting?""Because," the monk replied, "to save it is my nature."
- Another variation on the story has sought to apply the principle of innate nature to groups, specifically to show that casual violence is innate in some societies and cultures:
A story popular in Lebanon tells of a scorpion on the bank of the Nile who asked a frog to ferry him to the other side. “Oh no,” the frog said. “You would sting me.” “That’s ridiculous,” the scorpion replied. “I won’t sting you, because I can’t swim, and I would drown as well as you.” Convinced, the frog took the scorpion on his back and began to swim the river. In midstream the scorpion’s lethal urge became too strong and he plunged his stinger into the frog’s neck. The stricken frog groaned and asked, “Why, why did you do that? Now we’re both going to die.” As they both sank under the water the scorpion gave his final shrug and replied “This is the Middle East.”
- A final story, this time a genuine Aesop’s Fable, about being true to one’s nature:
A starving wolf who met a healthy dog in a snow covered forest. "How robust and well fed you are," said the wolf. "My master gives me food," replied the dog. "And how sleek your fur is," said the wolf, Suddenly ashamed of his own tattered coat. "My master takes great care in grooming me," said the dog with pride. "Why not come with me and he will do these things for you as well." "And what must I do for him?" asked the wolf. "Sleep by the warmth of his fire, walk by his side in the town, and hunt with him in the forest," replied the dog. "And what is that around your neck?" "Why it is my collar," said the dog. "I see," said the wolf... and he turned and walked back into the forest.
Spome are witty, some are "What were they thinking?", some describe exactly what goes on . . .
If you're doubtful about the above name being legit, here is a link to a story about the shop, which is located in London:
Tuesday, March 20, 2018
Waiting at the traffic lights and watching people cross in front of me, I wondered what someone from 1918 or even 1818 transported to today would think of the appearance of today’s men, women and children. Would we be as shocked if we were transported to 2118 or 2218?
Here's a look at some past Sydney scenes and people.
Wattle Day, Sydney, 1935.
Children in Sydney slums, 1949
A family forced to become cave dwellers during the depression, near Kurnell, New South Wales, 1930s.
Mark Foy's Department store in Liverpool St, Sydney at Christmas, 1959. It is now the Downing Centre court complex.
Liverpool St, Sydney in 1930. Same steps as above.
Milkman's horse and cart in fog in Martin Place, Sydney, 1949.
George Street, Sydney, date unknown
Dole queue at Harold Park during the Great Depression, Sydney, 1932
Electric trams on King Street, Sydney CBD, c. 1900.
Entrepreneur Quong Tart outside his luncheon grill room in George Street, Sydney, 1891. Tart, who lived in Ashfield, opened tea rooms and eateries so Australian women could socialise away from hotels.
Suffragettes, Sydney, 1892.
Circular Quay, Sydney, 1880s.
Street scene, Sydney, 1885
Children, Sydney slums, 1949
Armistice Day, the Cenotaph, Martin Place, Sydney, 1934
An original Anzac and his family evicted from their Redfern home into the street during the Depression, 1929.
Visiting American women's jazz band "Ingenues", Central Station, Sydney, late 1920's
Women medical students, University of Sydney, 1897.
Five women in Hyde Park, Sydney, c1939
Horse-Drawn Omnibus, at Circular Quay, Sydney, ca.1900